A week has passed since I wrote that note,
I should have known this right from the start.
Only hope can keep me together...
...No more Police lyrics, I promise!
Hope. It's a good thing right..? It can help you steer a path when all around you madness and brimstone are the norm. The only thing some people have, thankfully only a few of us have none. And for others there's faith. But that's another story, best explained without reference to magic and superstitions.
Hope. Did you have any to accompany your dreams in youth..? Does it stay with you to feather your dreams and keep you safe at night from the demons of disaster. That wasn't meant to be lyrical, it was meant to illustrate the fact that like some of my peers, for years I had none and nothing saved me from the ever present terrors of sleep. Not that I saw actual monsters when I closed my eyes or worse when they were open - Jeez, to be stuck in a 24hr Technicolor Disney Dream with a Billy Crystal voiced furry freak in my face would be heaven. Almost. But better than it was, at any road... And it wasn't sleep as such, just that when it came to bed came inactivity, time to think, and think, and think and think and ... GRAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!! How to describe psychological pain as it manifests into physical pain..? Do you know the metal grabber things at the fairground that you can use to win a teddy or other toy with, the one that always stops working just as you're about to drop the prize into the chute so you can give it to your girlfriend. So, imagine 100 of those things all grabbing at your head at the same time... and they hurt dammit, they hurt as the tear into your skull and pull pieces of your brain and optical nerves out in chunks, over and over again. I think that pretty much covers it. That was the pain - worse and more intangible than any migraine or neckborn headache I've ever had before or since. I wanted to rip my head off and tear my eyes out with a spoon many a time... It happened during the day on a couple of occasions too, which was nice. And completely debilitating.
So I had no hope and my dreams as they were, were of escape and I couldn't be sure what from for a long time. So what changed..? Why is there hope when all hope had gone..? Well it's taken a hell of a long time I can assure you. I went through Uni not really knowing what I wanted. I left Uni and didn't know what I wanted. Me, for me, not for anyone else. I thought I wanted what was expected of me but now with hindsight I don't think that was really the case, was it..? My dream is twofold and simple. I want to contribute to the wellbeing and development of the next generation. And I'd like a roof over my head that I can call my own, even if someone else does actually own it.
How I actually achieve these goals is another story, and in the meantime I still have a task to complete on behalf of my peers and myself. Call it a purgeing - therapy - millstone... Call it what you want but don't call it done until it is just that. And we have big plans in my tiny little mind for it this time... :0p
Peas and Lava xXx
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